Privacy Policy

Privacy Policy (and Document Shredding Protocol)

Last Updated: January 20, 2026

At GovPardons.com, we take your privacy as seriously as a politician takes a campaign promise. Which is to say: we talk about it a lot, but results may vary.

This Privacy Policy describes how we collect, use, and (occasionally) destroy your information when you use our digital corruption services. By using this site, you agree to the collection and use of information in accordance with this policy—or lack thereof.

1. Information We Collect

We collect two types of information: “Public Record” (stuff you give us) and “Deep State Surveillance” (stuff our servers collect automatically).

  • Input Data: When you use the Pre-Pardon Generator or Liability Estimator, you voluntarily provide names, hypothetical crimes, and bribery amounts.
    • The Reality: This data is processed locally on your device or temporarily to generate your images. We do not store a database of your confessions. That creates a “Paper Trail,” and in our line of work, paper trails lead to prison.
  • Donation Info: If you choose to donate, your financial information is handled entirely by our third-party payment processors. We do not see your credit card number; we only see the beautiful cash that results from it.
  • Usage Data: We may collect IP addresses, browser types, and operating systems. We claim this is for “Analytics,” but really we’re just checking if the FBI is visiting the site.

2. How We Use Your Information

We use your data for the following legitimate (and illegitimate) purposes:

  • To Provide Services: Generating your satirical certificates and invoices.
  • To Process Bribes (Donations): Keeping the website running so we don’t have to ask Congress for a bailout.
  • To Improve Our Grift: Analyzing which features are most popular so we can charge more for them later.

3. Cookies (Not the Edible Kind)

We use cookies and similar tracking technologies to track the activity on our Service.

  • Session Cookies: To remember that you are currently logged in as an “Oligarch.”
  • Third-Party Cookies: Our site may use analytics tools. These tools track you across the internet. We assume you are used to this surveillance by now.
  • Control: You can instruct your browser to refuse all cookies. However, if you do not accept cookies, you may not be able to use the “Judge Shopping” feature efficiently.

4. Disclosure of Data (Selling You Out)

We may share your information in the following situations:

  • With Third-Party Service Providers: We use reputable third parties for hosting and payments. They have their own privacy policies, which are likely longer and more boring than ours.
  • Legal Requirements: If subpoenaed, we will sing like a canary. We have no loyalty. If the Department of Justice asks for user logs, we will hand them over immediately to save our own skins.
  • Foreign Adversaries: Just kidding. (Unless they offer a really good price).

5. Data Security (The “Mar-a-Lago” Standard)

We strive to use commercially acceptable means to protect your Personal Data. However, please remember that no method of transmission over the Internet is 100% secure.

  • While we try to use SSL encryption, please pretend your data is stored in a cardboard box in a bathroom next to a photocopier.
  • Do not enter actual classified information into this website.

6. Your Data Rights (The Fifth Amendment)

Depending on your location (and net worth), you may have certain rights:

  • The Right to Access: You can ask us what we know about you. (Answer: Very little).
  • The Right to Deletion: You can ask us to delete your data. We call this “The BleachBit Option.”
  • The Right to Opt-Out: You can stop using our site at any time.

7. Children’s Privacy

Our Service does not address anyone under the age of 13.

  • While we support nepotism hires of all ages, we do not knowingly collect data from children.
  • If you are a parent and you are aware that your child has provided us with Personal Data (or committed Light Treason), please contact us.

8. Changes to This Privacy Policy

We may update our Privacy Policy from time to time. We will notify you of any changes by posting the new Privacy Policy on this page. We advise you to review this page periodically, or just assume we are up to no good.

CONTACT US If you have any questions about this Privacy Policy, please contact us. Do not send sensitive documents via email; please leave them in a non-descript bag on a park bench in DC.

-The devs and GovPardons Compliance Team (Currently operating from a non-extradition country)