Open Secure Channel

Need to negotiate terms? Report a leak? Wire funds without the IRS noticing?

Please use the form below.

Quotes for fake news media hit pieces may also be obtained by request.

Public Defender Tier

3-5 Business Years

“Your call is very important to us. Please continue to hold.”

Donor Class

24 Hours

For those who have purchased at least one Pre-Pardon certificate.

Oligarch Tier

Immediate

We will wake the President up from his nap for you.

Physical Address

PO Box 404 (Not Found)
Grand Cayman Islands

Hotline

1-800-NO-RECALL
(Do not leave a voicemail)

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