Terms of Service

Terms of Service (and Complicity)

Last Updated: January 20, 2026 (The Dawn of a New Era)

Welcome to GovPardons.com. By accessing or using this website, you acknowledge that you have read, understood, and agreed to be bound by these Terms and Conditions. If you do not agree to these terms, please surrender yourself to the nearest federal authorities immediately.

1. Nature of Services (The “It’s a Joke” Clause)

PLEASE READ THIS SECTION CAREFULLY. IF YOU SKIP IT, YOU MAY END UP IN PRISON.

GovPardons.com is a satirical art project. It is a parody. It is not affiliated with the United States Government, the Department of Justice, the Executive Branch, or any actual legal entity.

  • We cannot pardon you. The “Pre-Pardon Certificates” generated on this site have the same legal standing as a Monopoly “Get Out of Jail Free” card.
  • We are not lawyers. Nothing on this site constitutes legal advice. If you have actually committed treason, tax evasion, or wire fraud, please hire a real attorney. Do not use our “Liability Calculator” as a defense strategy in court.
  • We are not the President. Though we share a similar appreciation for gold branding and immunity, we do not hold executive power.

2. User Conduct

By using this site, you agree to the following:

  • You will not use this website to facilitate actual crimes, solicit real bribes, or engage in genuine insurrection.
  • You understand that the “Auctions” are fictitious. You cannot actually buy classified documents here (please check Mar-a-Lago bathrooms for availability).
  • You agree not to hack, scrape, or disrupt the site, as that would be “Radical Leftist Behavior.”

3. Donations and “Purchases”

  • No Quid Pro Quo: Any money sent to this site is a donation to support the hosting and maintenance of this satire project.
  • No Goods or Services: In exchange for your donation, you receive nothing but a warm feeling of complicity and perhaps a digital image file. You are not purchasing influence, ambassadorships, or cabinet positions.
  • Refund Policy: All donations are final. Much like a bribe to a politician who loses an election, there are no refunds.

4. Intellectual Property

All content, design, text, graphics, and “The Wheel of Privilege” mechanics are the property of GovPardons.com.

  • Fair Use: You are encouraged to share your generated certificates on social media to mock the political establishment.
  • Copyright: Please do not steal our code. We will sue you, and unlike the pardons we sell, our lawyers are real.

5. Limitation of Liability

To the fullest extent permitted by law (which we are actively trying to deregulate), GovPardons.com and its creators shall not be liable for:

  • Any actual prison time you serve because you thought a JPEG would protect you from the FBI.
  • Any emotional distress caused by the realization that our satire is depressingly close to reality.
  • Any direct, indirect, incidental, or consequential damages resulting from your use of the site.

6. Indemnification

You agree to indemnify and hold harmless GovPardons.com from any claims, damages, or legal fees arising from your use of the site. If the Department of Justice comes looking for you, you do not know us. We never met. You were just getting coffee.

7. Governing Law

These Terms shall be governed by the laws of the Internet and the United States, specifically the First Amendment (while it still exists). Any disputes shall be resolved in the Court of Public Opinion.

8. Changes to Terms

We reserve the right to modify these terms at any time without notice, much like an Executive Order signed at 3:00 AM. Your continued use of the site constitutes acceptance of these changes.

CONTACT US If you have questions about these Terms, please scream into the void. Alternatively, you can contact us via our website form.

–The Devs GovPardons.com